NLnov2007

We have mountains of new stuff for you to look at on the what's new pages...... there are 7 of them this month.... Yes that's right 7...... So you don't get bored and give up half way through, we should inform our lady readers that page 7 is stuffed full of some drop dead georgous clothing that you just have to see.... We should also inform our male readers that these clothes are being modeled by the delightfully scrumptious Trace who is looking particularly ravishing this month.... so make sure you all get as far as page 7 OK.... just click on the button below and enjoy.

Our New Goth pets page has proved very popular and we have lots of new pictures of customers frightening felines and creepy canines along with all manner of snakes and spiders and reptiles etc. Click on the button below to see them.

Those of you who checked out the Goth pets page may remember our mate Cindy's evil kitten twins...... Phantom and Shadow..... Well Cindy sent us these pictures..... Here is Phantom looking at his photo on our website.....

And here he is making his feelings on the matter very clear.......

OK..... so you may have guessed by the number of Planet La La Music buttons littered about this newsletter..... That Bazz is really quite excited about the release of his new CD.

And yes that is Rose on the cover (who is very pleased that her shadow has cat ears......) and yes that is our little furry friend Slinkbat as well.
And yes it is 72 minutes of inspiring and uplifting music ideal for relaxation, therapists etc... etc... yawn .... just fill in all the new age buzz words for your self...... I suppose I should give up trying to convince people that I am a new age musician..... (I am not a genre... I'm a free man)....... Just go to the Planet La La website and enjoy.... it really is slightly brilliant, mildly awesome and a little bit amazing. Not to mention Genre refining and very very very quite good indeed.....

What the critics have said about 9 lives -

"Bazz who................?"

"Nine what.............?"

"No I haven't bloody listened to it yet.... stop stalking me or I'll call the police......!"

But don't listen to them. They are just a bunch of poncey pseudo intellectuals who think Newsnight Review is entertaining...... which could lead to a mini rant...... Newsnight Review...... what's that all about?
There is always one twat who looks for nonexistant allagories and metaphores in action movies (until you feel like shaking him by the throat and screaming "sometimes an action movie is just an action movie OK"). Then there is the one who always disagrees with what the first one says on principal. There is the one who goes off on some strange personal tangent and leaves you wondering if they read the same book as the other 3. And finally there is the one who is a bit down to earth (someone like Billy Bragg) who talks sense but is them roundly abused by the other 3 for dispelling the psuedo intellectual smog they have so lovingly crafted. How anyone could ever make a decision on whether to buy a book or see a movie based on their opinions is just beyond me. I sometimes pray to the media Gods and Goddesses that one day I may be chosen to be a guest critic on Newsnight Review...... I could have so much fun........

Following on from last months rant about some of the emails that people send us we though that maybe we were being a little ungrateful..... after all I have learned a lot from emails I've been sent...... and my life has been changed forever by some of them for instance......

I am now aware of the fact that there is rat poo in the glue on envelopes and I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all………. but that will change once I receive the £75,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ..... Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. Or the 10,000,000 Euros from the Italian internet lottery. Mind you since my bank has done a security upgrade which required me to enter all my banking details online, I just can’t seem to keep any money in my bank account. But that’s OK because someone I’ve never spoken to in America has just approved an unsecured loan of $250,000.

I have taken so much Viagra that my private parts have swollen to such a huge size, I need a wheelbarrow to carry them around in.

I am now engaged to three beautiful Russian girls and one Brazilian person of indeterminate sex.

I am now convinced that cats are the most bizarre creatures on the planet and that Osama Bin Laden is actually George W Bush with a cheap false beard and tea towel round his head

I spend every waking moment glued to Youtube which is a great comfort to me as I it provides graphic proof that there are people madder, stranger and sicker than me in the world.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I have been blessed by Buddha and several Native Americans.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward all my e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it may react with something in my stomach and I will explode.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to the shopping centre because someone will drug me with a free yoghourt sample and kidnap me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under every other seat and it will bite my bum and kill me.

I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to bite my leg.

So please do keep sending me your emails they are very enlightening and are very much appreciated.........

The other thing that wound me up was my own brain...... now this may sound a bit odd but there I was just packing up getting ready to go home one evening, when suddenly a tune started going round in my brain..... Now what was this song that just popped into my head from nowhere..... It was "My Boy Lollypop" by Millie.........

Hi and welcome to the Lavender Pillow November Newsletter.
We hope you are all well and your preparations for the festive season are all running to schedule. If not..... don't forget we provide a fast and efficient mail order service so you can do all your festive shopping online with us. OK so that's the hard sell over and we can get on with the fun stuff........

But seriously if you are thinking of ordering from us please be aware of the following last guaranteed posting dates for Yule/Christmas/etc....

For 1st class post - we need your order to us by Tuesday 18th December
For parcel post - we need your order to us by Wednesday 12th December
These dates are based on the post office published dates but we cannot take responsibility for their failure to deliver particularly if the postal workers industrial action continues. So we reccommend that you get your orders in to us as soon as possible to avoid dissapointment. .

The highlight of the last month for us was our yearly pilgrimage to Penzance for the Faery Ball. As usual this was an amazing event and Penzance was once again turned into fairyland for one fabulous evening. If you are ever in the area durung October we recommend the event to everyone with a little magick in their soul. The costumes this year were outstanding and we have lots of photos if you want to see them. Just click on the button below.

It is probably only some of our more mature customers who will remember this one as it was a hit for Millie in 1964, reaching number 2 in both the UK and US charts. As 60s pop songs go it was actually quite good and it is said that the harmonica player was a certain football mad gravedigger who went on to become a star in his own right..... Rod Stewart....

OK so why should the fact that this inoffensive and innocuous tune entered my head wind me up...... particularly when it gives me an opportunity to show off my encyclopedic knowledge of the history of rock and pop music........

Well the problem I have is this....... I have not to my knowledge heard this song played for about 30 years. It has never popped into my brain before and all the information I have stored about it has never been of any use to me. However there it is residing in my brain. This is not just the music but the lyrics and background information all cross referenced and I can replay the full colour video I have stored in my head of her singing it on "Ready Steady Go" (an early form of Top of The Pops for our younger readers.)

I can even remember Cathy McGowan (Pretty Goth looking 60s pop show presenter) Introducing Millie. Just for more irrelevant background info... Cathy Married actor Hywel Bennett but later divorced him and now lives with Michael Ball who was 20 years younger than her..... OOOO Young Man!

Mind you... as this recent photo shows, she is ageing much better than he is. In fact she looks amazing for a woman of 64. Now here is my problem........ even if my brain stored the music as an MP3 and the video was held in fairly low quality, and all the background info was held as a compressed text file with no video footage attached, this would still take up quite a few Megabytes of my internal memory...... And this on board memory has been used to store all this completely irrelevant date for over 40 years. And this is just one of the many hundreds of thousands of ancient pop tunes I have stored in my biological iPod....

This is all particularly annoying as there is obviously a major shortage of RAM in my head as my brain can't seem to find anywhere to store useful data like where I left my car keys 10 minutes ago..... Where I parked my car last night..... My mothers birthday..... Rose's mobile phone number..... or even what day of the week it is sometimes........ You see my problem here......

So if next time you visit the shop you see a USB cable hanging out of my ear...... do not be alarmed as it will just be me archiving all my 1960's pop trivia onto hard disk. There's a thought I could sell copies of that to pop quiz enthusiasts......

The only explanation for all this I can think of, is that in 1964 the psychic synapse in my brain predicted that in 43 years time, I would be struggling to finish the November Newsletter and this stuff might just come in handy......... And you know what..... It was bloody right.......

The other thing that has been winding me up is the number of websites these days that use subliminal advertising to market their goods. Some of these unscrupulous people even use images of cute kittens to lure you in. I think these people are completely reprehensible and morally bankrupt. These people are as bad as the blatantly sexist sites that just use pictures of sexy young women to promote their wares.

Anyway that's enough from me until next Year.
So until then, Bright Yuletide Blessings from Bazz and Rose.... We hope you have a great Yule/Christmas/Feast of the great prophet Garglethrup or any other festive event that you may celebrate..... and if your religion doesn't allow eating, drinking and being merry at this time of year..... It's about time you found one that did.... Bacchus might be a good bloke to talk too.....

May your God(s), Goddess(es), many tentacled green furry thing(s) from arcturus 5, Stone Idols, Angels, Spirit Guides and Elvis himself be with you, watch over you, exalt you to further excessive self flagellation.... etc...... delete or amend as appropriate.

and we will leave you with a nice picture of our cute kitten Alice.......