So moving swiftly onto Bazz's Rant of the Month.....

Well what's wound me up this month..... At this point I should tell you that after 35 years as a 20 a day smoker, I have finally decided that I have pushed my luck as far as I dare and have given up smoking. As I type this, I have not had a cigarette for over 3 weeks....... So as you can imagine, over the last 3 weeks, just about everything has wound me up........ I have managed to aviod killing anyone so far, but I should issue a warning to anyone who is planning to visit the shop in the near future........ If I am behind the counter...... Do not under any circumstances (A). Ask if the witch hanging outside the shop is for sale. (B). Tell me how nice the shop looks since we painted it pink. (C). Ask me if I sell thimbles (D). Try to buy a 50p bird whistle with a credit card. (E). Tell me you are the new vicar and that you are on a mission from God to drive all Pagans and "Devil Worshippers"  out of the village and into the sea......
 
Then there is British Telecon who have lied, cheated and used deliberately misleading sales techniques to try and swindle money out of us over the last month or so...... No.... It's not just the giving up smoking thing.... I'ts true they really have...... but I'm sure you have all suffered at BTs hands in the past and it would take at least 5 newsletters to cover the enormity of their crimes..... and I would have probably started smoking again by the time I'd finished. So I will let this one pass. Just surfice it to say that I would rather stick my private parts in a food blender than do business with these dishonest, reprehensible, morally bankrupt, shiesters ever again.

So what else is there.... well there is the New Rocks problem..... As many of you are aware New Rocks are a form of stunningly outrageous footware much favoured by myself and many other Goth/Emo/alternative types. For those of you who do not know what I'm talking about, please see the photos below of my favourite New Rocks........  Despite all appearances to the contrary, they are actually very comfortable and beautifully made items of foot apparel and as you can see they add a certain somthing to one's sartorial elegance.... not to mention about 3 inches to your height.    

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However, they do present a bit of problem when driving, in that the soles are slightly wider than the gap between the clutch and the accelerator pedal.... which is where the inconsiderate motor manufacturers choose to hide the brake pedal. I therefore feel that all New Rock fans should put pen to paper and write to the minister for transport and insist that legislation is put in place immediately, to force motor manufacterers to space their control pedals a bit more conveniently. This is a major safety issue which needs to be addressed as I am sure that none of you want to see me hurtling towards you down Pentewan hill with no means of braking available to me.......... After all the statute books are full of so much ridiculous legislation that one more bit will not make much difference will it?  Now I hear you all saying... "Why don't you get Rose to do the driving....... However Rose is also a New Rock fan and is the proud owner of  the New Rocks below.......  

So you can see the enormity of the problem we face here.....

And then there is televison commercials. It's not just the fact that commercial breaks are getting more frequent and ever longer so that each hour of TV now includes 20 minutes of commercials...... It's the content. I am so fed up with Barry Scott screaming at me about Cilit Bang..... I just keep thinking "Colt 45.. Bang! and Barry Scott is gone"...... and the jerk who alternatly shouts and then wispers about confused.com which leaves me bemused.com. The stupid bloke and his parot from Admiral insurance......  and as for Churchill...... I'm an animal lover, but that bloody dog needs putting down...... Ooooh Yessss!  Adverts for hair products that make you look like you have a blind hairdresser.... LLoyds Bank want to give me a credit card and every time I use it they will round up the transaction to the nearest pound and save this money for me in a sort of savings account?????? Hold on run this by me again..... they are going to overcahrge me on every card transaction then charge me interest on these unneccessary overspends... and they are trying to sell this to me as good idea..... Then the strange Honda adds that don't show you any cars...... probably just as well as the latest Honda has door handles that look like 1950's sci fi movie space ships and a bizzar trophy cabinet on the front which houses a Honda badge that looks more valuable than the car..... I think they have lost the plot. And all those strange adds for very expensive perfumes that try to convice you that a few drops will turn you into a ravishing, exotic, sophisticated, irresistable femme fetal...... when in fact they just make you smell like a randy musk ox.

And that's another thing.... Chanel No5 seems very popular, but you never hear about Chanel No4. I can only assume that Chanel No1 must have smelt like old socks. There are all sorts of products like this.... E45 Cream What about E42 cream... did that bring people up in a rash.... E1 cream probably gave you warts.... WD40, did WD1 seize all your bolts up and make everything it touched turn into a pile of rust. You have to admire their perseverance, most people would have given up when they discovered that WD37 was a brilliant lubricant with amazing waterproofing properties but gave anyone who touched it Ameobic Disentery.

Speaking of perseverance. Did you know that they use a strange substance called issenglass in beer brewing. It is used to clear all the sediment out of the beer and make it bright and clear. Did you also know that issenglass is made from the shredded stomach of a fish caled a sturgeon. Now think about it....... just how many other things must the brewers have tried before they got around to trying shredded sturgeon stomach to clear their beer.  It probably came just after they tried pickled rat testicles, belly button fluff and badgers ear wax.  But we are straying away from the subject here.... as usual.....      

The big problem I have with TV commercials is how much they cost me..... think about it.... How do companies finance the big budget advertising campaigns .... by raising the price of the product to cover the advertising costs. So it stands to reason that the products with the biggest advertising campaigns are the worst value for money....... The next time you are tempted to spend £120 on a pair of Nike trainers it's worth remembering that these trainers cost about £5 to manufacture and £35 of what you pay goes on advertising costs. So the next time you see a big budget production advert on the television for a product you use regularly..... You will have the satisfaction of knowing that you payed for the brilliant ad.    

Hi Everyone

Welcome to the May Newsletter from wonderful rain drenched Mevagissey. The summer was just getting going.... then the heavens opened and it's rained for a week.  

We have had lots of new goodies arrive over the last few weeks and you can see all the new stuff on our 3 what's new pages www.lavenderpillow.co.uk/Whats_new.html  

We had an unexpected visitor last week..... The local vicar dropped into the shop....... Now, most Pagan shopkeepers would feel a little uneasy when the local clergy visit... but fortunately our local vicar is a very nice bloke. He is about to retire and is moving out of the vicarage, so he was looking for some boxes to transport his beloved album collection in. We got chatting about the good old days of vinyl and discovered that he was a serious heavy metal fan and had loads of old metal albums by Led Zep, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden........ and yes he admitted that he had several Black Sabbath albums in his collection........... It's a great shame he is retiring. We just hope his replacement will not be a fire and brimstone type on a crusade to sweep the village clean of Pagans, witches and "devil worshippers"...... EEEEEEEEK!

We should also warn you that if you visit the shop on a Saturday, you should not be alarmed if you find that we are not there....... As we have taken on two new members of staff who will be running the shop on Saturdays for us. They are Sheila and Kate who are very nice and will provide you with the same level of friendly service as usual. So please drop in and say hi to them and make them welcome. We will of course will be skiving off to sun ourselves on the beach or go gallavanting about the countryside with gay abandon..... or more likely be catching up with paperwork, orders, website updates, newsletters, housework, sleep etc.......   

Well, thats all for this month so until the next scintilating installment of the ramblings and musings of a warped mind.

Bright Blessings from

Bazz & Rose