From: The Lavender Pillow [mail@lavenderpillow.co.uk]
Sent: 01 December 2006 23:33
Subject: December Newsletter from The Lavender Pillow
Hi everyone
And welcome to the Lavender Pillow December newsletter. Wow! Yet another newsletter hot on the heals of the last one….. Yes we have finally caught up and the newsletters are coming out at the start of each month.
We hope you are all well and looking forward to whatever winter festival you happen to celebrate, Be it Yule, Christmas or the great feast of the purple prophet Ooooglthrup.
Anyone looking for interesting and unusual Christmas/Yule/Oooooglthrupmas presents can find a heap of new and exciting things and stuff on our three what’s new pages
www.lavenderpillow.co.uk/Whats_new.html
Just to remind everyone about the last dates for placing mail orders for Christmas are as follows
For large items that will be sent by parcel post…. Orders will need to be with us by the 10th of December.
For smaller items which can go 1st class…. Orders will need to be with us by the 17th of December
Any one paying for mail order by cheque will need to get the cheque to us five working days before these dates.
For Yule remember to subtract 3 days from these dates.
For Oooooglthrupmas, as the great prophet lives in a private time warp just outside of Blackpool, all orders need to be with us by 4th March 1427 BC.
Is it just us….. (Rant alert… Rant Alert!)….or are there some very strange television commercials around at the moment. OK so we sell some pretty strange stuff in our shop, but if we think a product is odd, it must be completely bizarre.
For example, Gillette have just brought out a new razor which has 5 blades on the front, one on the back and is battery powered. EEEEEK!. I don’t know about you but first thing in the morning I am a bit slow and my reflexes are a bit dull. So the thought of bringing something with 6 blades and an electric motor near my face fills me with dread. You might as well use a combine harvester to shave with.
Then there is the new toothbrush which has an onboard computer and electric pulsing flossers. I may be missing something here but I can’t for the life of me work out why anyone would need an onboard computer on a toothbrush. What does it do????? Does it monitor your up down and sideways strokes and suggest improved brushing regimes? Does it calculate whether or not you are using the optimum amount of toothpaste. Maybe it gives you a complete dental scan and books you a dental appointment over the internet when it spots a cavity. My big concern is what will happen if the computer gets a virus…… will it delete all your teeth.
My theory is that these products are aimed at people who are so sad that they snoop around in peoples bathrooms and feel smug about having higher spec personal grooming equipment. They then come down stairs and say “Hey Tristram, I see you still use the Gillette Mach 4. I hate to tell you this old chap but it is no longer the best a man can get. I use the Gillette Mach 8 with retro rocket boosters and an Intel Pentium Duo processor on board. It gives me a full digital analysis of each hair it cuts and calculates the precise growth rate of my stubble so it can tell me the precise moment when I next need a shave”.
As for the toothbrush with a tongue cleaner on the back. Unless you are in the habit of sucking coal, how do you get your tongue dirty enough to need cleaning with a bit of lumpy rubber.
Then there is the fridge freezer with the built in computer and an LCD monitor and keyboard on the door. What the hell is that all about…….Does this lock the door when it thinks you have eaten enough ice cream? Surely you can tell it you are looking for lettuce and cucumber to make a nice healthy salad….. when it opens the door….. you can just snatch all the Mars Bars and run away…… The fridge freezer isn’t exactly going to chase you round the house…….. or is it….. EEEEEEK!
Be warned….. when the great computer crash of 2012 comes (see last months newsletter) Not only will you be reduced to a cannibalistic hunter gathering savage…..You won’t even be able to brush your teeth of get the fridge door open to store your fat neighbours carcase.
And then there is the men’s deodorant problem. Maybe I’m shopping in the wrong place but this is becoming a major problem. Let me explain. As much as I would like to think I am an enlightened sensitive type who is in touch with his feminine side……. When it comes to buying deodorant I seem to turn into a macho chauvinist and demand a Man’s deodorant. None of this girly Mum rollette flowery perfumed stuff for me. I’m a Man and need a Man’s deodorant because I do manly things that make me sweat in a butch macho manly way. You get the picture. So there we are wandering around ASDA quite happily until we get to the deodorant section. Rose seems to have a whole aisle of nice girly deodorants to choose from but alas, there I stand looking at a wall of skunx (ooops! Sorry) Lynx effect aerosol cans which I refuse to use because of both the environmental damage it may cause and the advertising campaign which implies that only sad lonely and desperate individuals use it. So this leaves me a very small corner of one bottom shelf to choose from. There I find 3 items to choose from. There is the ASDA own brand roll on deodorant. I have tried this but it just smears slimy wet stuff under my arms which never actually dries and gives me wet patches in the armpits of my shirts even if I wait for an hour between applying the stuff and getting dressed. This does seem to defeat the object. The second choice is a Gillette sport roll on which seems to contain concentrated sulphuric acid and makes me burn like I’ve stuck a small supernova up my armpit. This is probably some allergy issue here so that one is to be avoided. Which leaves me with just one alternative…….. It is large and intimidating in a silvery round and bulbous ended phallic way…….. It is made by Sure and says very clearly that it is a deodorant for MEN…. So I give in and buy one. The next morning, after staggering zombie like to the bathroom for a wash and an embarrassingly low tech 2 bladed shave, I tried my new deodorant. I unscrewed the top expecting to find a standard roller ball…… but no…. it had a smooth rounded end with a hole in the middle…. There was a screw thing on the bottom which when turned, to my shock and horror, caused a white creamy liquid to spurt out of the hole. The thing now resembled something out of an Anne Summers catalogue (see attached photo)……… I don’t want to sound homophobic here but the thought of shoving an ejaculating phallus in my armpit every morning doesn’t really appeal to me….. So next time you come to the shop and notice a nice flowery smell, it won’t be the incense….. it will probably be the nice girly deodorant I’ve now started using.
So on to The readers question section. Some of you have expressed concern about the way we left the blue bean question unanswered last month. So I have been on a mission to determine exactly how many blue beans do make five. After extensive research I have discovered that there is no such thing as a blue bean. They come in a variety of colours but never in blue. So this is an entirely hypothetical question and the answer has no relevance to anything whatsoever. So despite the fact that the great purple prophet Ooooglthrup has reliably informed me that the answer is 7, this information is entirely irrelevant and has no practical application.
Anyway, welcome to all of you who are receiving this newsletter for the first time. If you have managed to read this far, I must warn you that you are probably barking mad. However if you do not wish to receive our monthly newsletter in the future, just reply to this email with the words “Even people from planet La La think you lot are mad” in the subject line and we will not bother you again.
And now on to a new regular(ish) feature of our newsletter…..
The Planet La La Award.
This prestigious award is presented to those products that are just so weird that even we draw the line at stocking them. When you consider that we are the shop that brought you the pink flamingo handbag, the build your own Stonehenge kit and the grow your own guardian angel kit, we stock some pretty weird stuff and if we won’t stock something, it must be way out there………. And no we are not making it up…….These are all genuine products that our suppliers have available.
So the first Planet La La award goes to a real gem of a guided meditation CD inspired by Captain Kirk “
The Starship Meditation
” (You have to admire their Enterprise here)…. It boldly goes where no guided meditation CD has gone before, seeking out new life forms gullible enough to part with their hard earned cash. As far as we are concerned this is not logical….. It’s a Guided meditation CD but not as we know it………… I’d better stop there before my dylithium crystals explode….. I Canny take anymore captain……
The following is how the author describes it….
I’m sure that at some point in our lives we have all seen the
television series Star Trek. Frequently, Captain Kirk and a
small team would beam down to an alien planet. During this
time, the crew from the bridge of the Star Ship would monitor
their movements and keep a close check on their well-being.
Whilst working with groups, I sometimes use visualization to
show that, like Captain Kirk, we are never alone. At all times
our movements and well-being are monitored by a group of
highly skilled and motivated individuals - we know them as our
spirit guides. This meditation will endeavour to link you
to your guides from your Starship
If on the other hand, you would like to buy any of the products featured in the Planet La La awards……. You know where not to come…..
And all that just leaves us space to wish you all a merry Christmas/Yule/Oooooglthrupmas and a happy new year.
So until we meet again in the “Bloody hell Christmas is over, the weather’s freezing and how am I going to pay off my credit card bill and lose all this weight I’ve put on, January Newsletter” In which we will do our best to rescue you from the winter doldrums and try to convince you that a winter break in Mevagissey is just the thing you need to cheer you up……. We tend to get very lonely down here in January and February, so any visitors will be very welcome and we are open every Saturday and Sunday throughout Jan & Feb.
Bright blessings
Bazz & Rose
The Lavender Pillow
