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Hi Everyone and welcome to the December Newsletter from the Lavender Pillow.

We hope you are all having a great Yule/Christmas and you haven't packed on too many festive pounds.

We are sure all your credit cards are groaning under the strain of the festive shopping frenzy, however those of you who still have any money left may want to peruse our what's new page.
Only the one page this month but. What a page it is! packed full of interesting goodies. Rest assured that we shall be spending our winter break hunting down mountains of new stuff ready for next years summer season.

We should warn you that throughout January and February, the shop is only open on Saturdays and Sundays. Apart from the February half term week when we will be open every day. 

We must at this point apologise to those of you have not been able to get the "My boy lollipop" tune out of their heads since the last newsletter. It took me about 2 weeks to get rid of it and I only achieved full removal after a 48 hour intensive Thrash Metal fest. We must also apoligise for reminding you about it which has probably put it straight back in your head again............ Oh Bugger it's back in mine now.   Arrrrgh!
We hope you all got the presents you wanted and are still enjoying all of this years new gadgets, labour saving kitchen tools and coffee makers that look like robotic penguins. I however, feel I have been robbed..... Some of you may remember last years December newsletter where I was making fun of the latest toothbrush which had a micro processor on board.

"Then there is the new toothbrush which has an onboard computer and electric pulsing flossers. I may be missing something here but I can’t for the life of me work out why anyone would need an onboard computer on a toothbrush. What does it do????? Does it monitor your up down and sideways strokes and suggest improved brushing regimes? Does it calculate whether or not you are using the optimum amount of toothpaste."

Well it would seem from the TV comercials that someone has stolen my idea and this very toothbrush is available in the shops. Where are my royalties..........

Never mind, by the end of February, all these new amazing gadgets will probably be consigned to the loft with all the other gadgets from previous years, Like the bread maker, the chocolate fountain, the sandwich toaster, the deep fat frier, the soda stream fizzy drinks maker, that food processor with the whirling blades of death attachment, the pie magic pie maker, and the fondue set. We can then all settle back to cooking food in saucpans on a cooker, putting the kettle on when we want a cup of Coffee and brushing our teeth with a toothbrush which doesn't analyse the detritus from our interdental gaps and suggest lifestyle changes which will prevent receeding gums and significantly reduce plaque buildup. Mind you not all of these gadgets end up in the loft....... I must confess to a guilty kitchen secret..... I actually own and still use an Autochop..... in fact I own two of them. A large one and a small one. I have worn out several over the years and as they have not been made for many eons, I can only get replacements from charity shops or on EBay.... For those of you too young to remember I have included photos of my two little beauties for your delectation...... It's sad I know but my fellow autochop enthusiasts and I meet up in remote car parks late at night to compare our utensils and have head to head contests (known as "chop offs").... My large Auto chop can take an onion from naught to puree in 20 seconds...... 

Well there you are then I've done it... I've come out of the closet and admitted that I am an antique kitchen utensil fetishist. And you thought I was a cool laid back altenative gift shop owner..... You never can tell what lurks beneath the surface.... I also own and use an original Moulinex Mouligrate Multi.... Not one of the cheap plastic ones that all fell to bits by the end of the 1970's.... but one of the original metal ones which to this very day is still slicing and grating more efficiently than any food processor. You just don't want to ask me about my collection of antique coffee and pepper grinders. I know that many of you may never view me in the same light again, but I just had to get that off my chest and remind people of the days when labour saving devices actually saved labour.......  and coffee only came in two varieties..... Black and White.... rather than a skinny mini farty latte chocca shocker latino mochachino with pistachios floating on top and a heat resistant goldfish swimming about in it. Just how many ways are there of combining coffee, water and milk anyway.... let me see.

1. Coffee, milk, water, & cup ----- Thats a a white coffee then...fine so far

2. Coffee water, cup & no milk ------That's a black coffee then....sounds OK

3. Coffee milk, cup and no water ------ That's a gritachino.. a bit crunchy for my taste

4 Coffee, water milk & no cup---- That's a sloshachino... a bit messy for me

5 Water, cup, milk & no coffee.... That's a warm watery cup of milk
 
6. coffee, cup, no water and no milk ---- that's dust.....

7. cup with no coffee no milk and no water----- That's a vending machino....     

I think that about covers it.

And why do coffee shops now sell coffee in such large cups.... the smallest coffee you can order seems to be a tall one which can be as much as a pint. Last time I went into a coffee bar they asked me if I wanted a regular or large. I made the big mistake of ordering a large. I then found myself staggering down the street with an enormous cardboard bucket of boiling hot coffee clutched to my chest and trying not to slosh gallons of scalding hot liquid all over innocent bystanders. I did my best and continued drinking until my stomach was bloated and started sloshing from side to side as I walked, however I couldn't manage to drink the last 17 gallons. I couldn't find a rubbish basket big enough to contain it so I just left it on the pavement. It was still there last time I looked and following the arrival of a large flock of Hooper Swans who have adopted it as a breeding ground, it has now been designated as a nature reserve by the world wildlife trust.  

Also following on from last months comments about using pictures of sexy young women to sell products....... Our good friends Rosy and Gerald sent us possibly the most bizarre example of this practice. An Italian firm of undertakers have produced a 2008 callendar featuring scantily clad young ladies draped over their range of luxury coffins.

Needless to say we have ordered our copy. Aparently they are selling like hot cakes....... as are the coffins.
If any one else has a sick sense of humour and a taste for the Gothic you can order the 2008 calendar and also download the 2006 and 2007 versions as screensavers from

And just so no one can accuse us of using sexy young ladies to sell our products here is a picture of a sexy old lady advertising our products

The Autochop

The moulinex mouligrate multi

(Yes since her recent birthday, Rose is now 57....... that's 3 years until she gets her bus pass) 

So now we move on to The Planet La La award for the most bizare product of the month. We were shopping for some bulbs in B&Q this week and noticed this very strange light fitting.....

We are not sure what the inspiration was for this design.... was it a really bad head cold..... or maybe a very energetic porn movie........ but there is just something about the slimy off white droplets that make you feel a bit queasy. The droplets are actually luminous...... (which takes us into a whole new world of queasieness)..... So how does that work then... you turn the light off and it doesn't turn off.... What sort of maddness is that.   

OK..... I've been skirting around it ....... and trying to stay in the spirit of peace, love and goodwill to all men........ but I have a rant bubbling away under the surface and I just can't keep it in any longer.

You know those phone calls where the phone rings and when you pick it up there is no one there. These are from call centres who use automated dialers to call several phone numbers at the same time and they only talk to the one who answers first. That is annoying enough particularly when they have done it 15 times in an hour. However these calls have taken an even more annoying turn. I answered the phone yesterday and a recorded voice said "This is RDA marketing... We are sorry but none of our operatives are available to talk to you at present. We will call you again later."............ Then it hung up. I must admit I was a little gobsmacked....... So let me get this straight....  Someone I've never heard off and don't have the slightest interest in talking to, has called me to tell me that they are too busy to talk to me. Then to add insult to injury, they are going to call me again later..... probably to tell me that they are still too busy to talk to me...... Now let me see.... What sort of response do you think they are going to get when they eventually do have an operative available to talk to me........ I feel an attack of sudden onset tourettes syndrome coming on..... particularly as they have given me advance warning and enough time to craft a package of expletives and verbal pyrotechnics that is nothing short of poetry.   

Anyway, we will let you get back to your cold turkey and pickles and festive fun. There will probably not be another newsletter for a while as we are having a bit of a break and will only be open at the weekends through Jan and Feb.
S o that just leaves us to thank you for your much valued and greatly cherished custom and support through 2007 and we look forward to seeing lots of you in 2008.  Until then, it's bright new year blessings and dark gothic wishes from All of us at The Lavender Pillow.

We have also added a brand new page to the website which you may want to check out.

It's The Lavender Pillow Obnoxious Oracle
The online, mean and moody mystic who will answer all of your questions providing you are strong enough to deal with the answers..... It's great fun.... but not for the faint hearted.