This is the page where we include all sorts of things that we find amusing......
But I must warn you, we have a strange sense of humour.
Have you ever wondered where your cat goes to get fleas
Well now you know.
Ancient Egyptian Humour
One day we got so bored that we started putting captions to Egyptian papyrus prints........
Osiris dear, you really should see the doctor.... That boil on your head is getting worse.
Isis proves once again that she is the best Topple player in Egypt.
Cleopatra struggles with an early prototype Dyson vacuum cleaner.
Early Egyptian Boy Band (The Horus Chorus) wow the crowds at The Cairo Cavern
Mum... Mum.... The monkey has just had another accident on the lounge carpet....
Despite his owners obvious joy, Fido wasn't particularly pleased with the results of his latest trip to the dog grooming salon.
Ramasees couldn't help feeling a little uneasy as his wife showed him the items she had purchased at the Ankh Summers party
Cleopatra just couldn't Believe she had fallen for the old drink on each hand trick yet again......... and vowed she would find some new drinking buddies
Cleopatra warned her guests to keep their distance as Osiris's boil was about to go critical at any moment.
Osiris fought back his fear and trepidation as he grasped his pointy stick. He knew the time had come...... The boil just had to be lanced.......
Although Nefertiti felt a deep affection for the strange monkey face boy, she had to let him down gently by explaining that he just wasn't equipped to satisfy her needs.
I know it's the latest technology... but I'm not paying any more than 3 fish for the CD player
Nefertiti continued to deny that she was having an affair with Osiris... But Isis knew there was only one place she could have contracted a boil like that on her head.
The strange things people say
Things that people have said to us and odd snippets of customers conversation we have overheard.
Young Chav lad being dragged into the shop by his mother... "Don't make me go in there, it stinks of Goth stuff."
"Someone told me there was a crystal that would help to improve my memory.... but I can't remember which one she said it was"
A lady was trying on a long black Gothic dress and her 11 year old daughter was waiting outside the changing room
Daughter "If you buy that dress, you will have to grow your hair long and dye it black"
Mother "Yes Dear"
Daughter "And you will have to buy a coffin handbag and a studded choker"
Mother "yes dear"
Daughter "And you will have to grow your finger nails long and paint them black"
Mother "OK dear"
Daughter "And we will have to get a pet bat"
Mother "Yes allright dear"
Daughter "And you will have to sleep in a coffin"
Mother "That's enough now dear"
Daughter "And you will have to buy a hearse and move to Transylvania"
Mother "WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE F.......... Just be quiet now dear"
The lady didn't buy the dress after all.
A large American customer from Texas "If you opened a shop like this where I come from boy...... They'd burn you alive" (Things don't change much do they).
Two teenagers comparing their hands to the palmistry hand in the shop window.
Teenager 1 "That's odd.... I don't seem to have a lifeline"
Teenager 2 "I keep telling you, you ought to get a life!"
"Can I hav 10 of your incest sticks please"
Customer "What's that awfull stink"
Bazz "It's just the incense we are burning"
Customer "I'll have ten of those then please"
"So all these earrings are unique...... have you got another pair like these for my daughter"
Man to his wife as they left the shop "Did you notice anything a bit strange about that shop"
Wife "Yes..... everything"
Customer "Are you real witches"
Bazz "No we are actors, the real witches are at lunch"
Customer "If you are a witch, do some magic....... go on turn me into a toad"
Rose "I would love to, but it looks like somebody has beaten me to it"
Customer "There are a few shops like this were we live in Bolton but they are not run by real people like you" (All residents of Bolton should obviously be on the lookout for hollogram and robotic shopkeepers)
Customer "There aren't any shops like this where we come from"
Bazz "Oh realy, where's that"
Bazz "Maybe you should get out more"
"Do these swords really work?"
Two men on the bench outside the shop
Man1 "Is your wife in there as well"
Man2 "Yeah, she's been in there over an hour now"
Man1 "Yeah, my wife spends half her life in these body and soul shops"
Father and son in the clothing section
Son "What are these strange dresses for"
Father "Gothic people wear them"
Son "What are Gothic people"
Father "It's some sort of a religion"
Son "Is it...... What do they believe in then"
Father "Death and black things I think"
(after picking up what she thought was a very realistic ornamental sleeping cat and discovering it was a real one) We are not sure who was more shocked, the customer who found her self holding an ornament that was hissing at her or our cat who found her self being held by a screaming stranger......... they both ran off in diferent directions.
Customer after reading the sign about the shops resident ghost and how it sometimes throws books off the bookshelves "That's not true is it.... I don't believe in ghosts, your just making it up"
Thump! (as four books landed at her feet)
"I'll just shut up then shall I"
"Why is everybody burning so much of this incense stuff all of a sudden. I like to smell things the way they really are. How can you tell if something smells good or bad if you are smelling everything through rose tinted nostrils"
The strange things the shop has been called
"The witchy shop" "The Goblin Shop"
"The Smelly Shop" "The body & soul shop"
"That shop with the vampire people in"
"That weirdy shop" "The Halloween Shop"
"The Spooky shop" "The earth, wind & fire shop"
"The Wacky Backy Shop" "The velvet curtain"
"The purple duvet"
"The Psychiatric shop" "The Psychotic shop"
"The Bat Cave" "The Creepy shop" "The axis of evil
But the best one was
"That horrid little shop with that horrid little man in it"
(Bazz had just asked the lady to leave the premises, as she was standing in the
shop doorway turning people away and saying "You don't want to go in there..... there's nothing in there to interest decent folk")
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?
How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.
How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
Q. What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A. Self-Cleaning Coven
Q. What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A. They worship the ground you walk on...
Jesus saves...but the Goddess catches the rebound! She turns, She shoots! She SCOOORES!
Message to all intolerant Christians…."He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!"
~A Christian Priest, a Rabbi, and a Pagan High Priestess~
As part of an Interfaith community project, A Christian priest, a Rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they would go on a fishing trip together on a local pond. They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat. The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the Rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.
The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be out done by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.
While he's flailing around in the water, the Rabbi looks at the priestess and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"
The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"
God is coming.... and she is really pissed off with you Christians.
Q: Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?
A: She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."
Hardware Error 666 your hard drive has been possesed by the devil
Problems only Goths Have
· Trying to get blacks that match after they fade in the wash
· Trying to convince the drunk bloke who is chatting you up that you really are a guy.
· Big hair, small cars
· Airport metal detectors
· Nicknames such as "that gay devil worshipping freak that dyed his hair purple"
· Getting your jewelry tangled in your clothes/hair
· Getting your jewelry tangled in other peoples clothes/hair
· When your pointy toe shoes/boots get caught in the holes in the hem of your skirt.
· Wearing thick black velvet when it's 90 degrees outside
· Accidentally removing someone's nose ring with your spiked bracelet while dancing
· Getting people to look you in the eyes when you talk to them.
· Getting your slave bracelet caught in your fishnets
· Having to reach for the salt with one hand while holding back your sleeve with the other so it doesn't drag in the gravy
· Trying to find your possessions in an all black room
· Trying to get the hair-dye stains out of your towels, sink, floors, doors, ceilings, carpets, pets, furniture, friends.
· Finding a soap powder that gets those blacks blacker
· Having little kids tug on their parent's arm and say, "Look, Mommy, isn't she pretty? I want to look like her!" while the parents grab the child and run away screaming.
· Trying to wash dishes with those flowing sleeves.
· Going out in the winter and having all the metal stuff you are wearing freeze against your exposed skin.
· Getting your skirt caught on: anything and everything
· Lending your eyeliner to a friend and finding out later that he's returned it without mentioning that he completely emptied the entire brand new tube.
· Trying to buy mundane clothes to go job hunting in and not being able to bring yourself to buy anything with enough color.
· The salt stains on the hems of skirts in winter.
· Not being able to climb really small stairs because the pointy toes on your pixie boots stick out past your toes so far that you can't get your actual toes on the steps.
· Trying to stand up, and getting the hooks on your left boot caught in the fishnets on your right leg. And managing to look graceful while extricating yourself.
· Dancing in a corset.
· Attempting to explain Goth to anyone
· Driving in a rather large cloak.
· Having to wash black lipstick off of your neck.
· Having to rush out of bed the moment you wake up just so you can get to the bank before it closes.
· Convincing someone that you are straight even though you are wearing a lace trimmed shirt and makeup.
· Finding that your freshly washed black t-shirt is covered in bits of lint, which while undetectable by the naked eye, show up very well under UV, thereby making you appear to have terminal dandruff.
· Trying to find food you can eat without messing up your lipstick
· Trying to get seated so that the eye that you did just right will be the one facing outward.
· Being unable to decide which rings look best over the black lace gloves
· Trying to ride a bicycle with a long black skirt
· Trying to type with your lace gloves on
· Brushing against walls and having chips fly off because of your spiked bracelet.
· Having to avoid potential self-mutilation after just finishing filing one's nails to a point.
· When it's cold, your nose will be red no matter how much make-up you have on.
· Having to pay £10 for a pack of cocktail cigarettes so that they match your outfit
· Carefully extracting your struggling pet cat, claw by claw from the lap of your best lace skirt
· Trying to look cool using a walking cane when you have two perfectly functional legs.
· Trying to get things out of your trouser pockets while wearing a hand full of large spikey rings
· Ending up going to bed with someone before you are 100% sure what sex they are
· Trying to explain to your grandmother that just because you are wearing a huge cross around your neck, doesn't mean you have become a Catholic
· Having fat ugly people wearing cheap, ill fitting and totaly tasteless clothes which cost £20 from Tescos and makes them look like a lumpy amorphus blob, take the piss out of your outfit, which cost you £800 to put together and makes you look like a goddess.
· Flicking through a magazine or a newspaper with velvet gloves on.
Working around candles with long hair and long flowing sleeves. They look great but are a serious fire hazard. (Thanks Amy).
"Oh bugger, I've just got my bat trapped in the till" (Rose 4/9/2004) It could only happen to a Goth shopkeeper..........
Getting your tongue stud caught in your girlfriends fishnets (Thanks Grant)
Going to the toilet when you are wearing big spikey rings..... Ouch! it makes us wince just thinking about it. (Thanks Alison)
Trying to stop people thinking you are cursing them when you smile.... just because you are wearing black lipstick and a pentagram. (Thanks Sarah)
Not being able to walk down the road without having grrrrreeeeeebooooo shouted out you every 3 flippin seconds
Drying your hair with dangly metal dagger earings/pendants..... metal being a good conductor of electricity really hurts your neck...
Always being deadly paranoid when out wearing black lipstick in case it has got on your teeth. (Thanks Sarah)
I went to a wedding in September and the reception was held in a marquee dumped right in the middle of a damp field. Walking respectfully while trying to extract the heel of your boot that is wedged in the mud is difficult. Also, I had a black outfit to start with and then tried to stay looking respectful with, now, brown boots and skirt hem! (Thanks Gem :)
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Do not under any circumstances click on the button below..... No, really... We mean it...... You may think we are just saying that to get you to press it anyway.... but we are not joking here..... Just don't go there....... And if you do, don't come running to us for help..... and don't expect us to clean up the mess either.